Handling Family Conflicts (1)

In 1881 Margaret Sidney published the first of 12 books entitled, The Five Little Peppers and How They Grew. It was the story of a very poor family of five children who got along remarkably well. In fact, if you read it, you might feel guilty that your children do not measure up.
‘Normal’ families experience conflicts with each other. After all, when two or more sinners live so close for years, conflicts are bound to crop up. So how do we deal with these?
Two verses help us to understand the root cause of conflicts. Proverbs 13:10 states,“Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom.” James 4:1 says, “From whence come wars and fightings among you? come they not hence, even of your lusts that war in your members?” Yes, it is the deification of self that causes conflict, putting ourselves on the throne of our lives. Thus, to resolve conflicts, we must deal with pride and selfishness.
Some parents feel they must always be the arbitrator in sibling rivalry. When this actually is necessary, ask questions that reveal to them how pride and selfishness are behind the conflict. But often older children are able to resolve the conflicts themselves. An effective method we often used was to send the squabbling siblings to a room and tell them not to come out until they had resolved it. I was amazed how quickly it was over, especially if mealtime was approaching! Of course, we must arm them first with the tools to deal with disagreements: respecting other’s viewpoint, not attacking the person in resolving the issue, knowing that a soft answer will usually turn away wrath, and others. If one of our children is more Christ-like in meekness than the others, we need to be alert that the others are not taking advantage of him, using this quality to their own advantage.
Jesus promised that conflicts would come. Yet think of this: two men in a foxhole never argue about who needed to take a shower. They are instead united around a common conflict. When an entire family is struggling together with a team member mentality, then conflicts will fall to a minimum. Sadly, this often happens when one member of a family rebels and the others unite in concern, prayer, example, and admonition.  But no parent want this the basis of unity.
One effective way to unite around a conflict is to have family prayer targets. These could be unsaved relatives, friends, or neighbors, something the family needs, something that has been lost, a prayer need shared at church, or others. Pray about them together and keep track of how God answers the prayers. Then celebrate together and add more. As children see themselves as a vital part of God’s answer, they will not want to act in a way that would hinder their prayers.
Ask God for ways to turn divisive conflicts into bond builders in your family.