Kleven’s Wedding Vows

After their wedding, Daniel and Ellen’s wedding vows were the talk of the church. I asked permission to share them here.

“I Daniel Thomas Kleven, take you, Ellen Elise White, to be my wife. I have chosen you above all others and have left my father and mother to cleave unto you, to be joined to you by God, and to become one flesh with you.
Today before God and these witnesses I enter into this solemn covenant of marriage with you. Most importantly I promise to love God first and most and best, with all my heart and soul and mind and far above anyone or anything else in this world. I promise to love you as Christ loves His church, to give my life for you. I promise to love you as myself, as my own body, to nourish and cherish you. I promise to treat you with tenderness and affection, to delight in you and rejoice over you. I promise to honor you and esteem you, and value you above all else, and never to pursue any other earthly thing above you.
I promise to be your head, to lead and guide you, to rule, not with tyranny but with love and by example, not with threatening but with kindness. I promise to lead you by serving you, and to esteem you better than myself. I promise not to be bitter or harsh toward you, but to care for you and encourage you, to teach you the truths of God at home and not let you be ashamed. I promise to provide for you, protect you, and guard you from harm. I promise to sanctify you, and present you holy to God, by pouring The Word of God into your life and by praying for you, entreating God on your behalf. I promise to dwell with you according to knowledge, to seek to understand you, to give you honor as unto the weaker vessel.
I promise to take heed to my spirit, to guard it from anything that would pull me away from you. I promise to be true and faithful to you, and not to deal treacherously with you. I promise to drink waters from my own well, and never out of any others, to be pleased with you, satisfied with you at all times, and ravished and enraptured always with your love. I promise to give you due benevolence, and to give you power over my body. I promise never to send you away or put you away by divorce for any reason.
I promise to build our house with wisdom according to God’s Word, to be the master of our home by being the chief servant, and if God is please to give us children, to raise them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
I promise to live joyfully with you all the days of this life, in sickness and in health, in gladness and in sorrow, in times of plenty and times of need, until God by death shall part us, or the Lord Jesus Christ comes again.
Ellen, you are my closest friend and companion, my greatest joy and delight on this earth. My heart completely trusts in you. You are a crown to me, and I am honored and blessed beyond words to be taking you as my wife today. I pray that God will be honored and glorified as we seek to keep this covenant by His grace, and with His strength. I love you.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I, Ellen Elise White, take you, Daniel Thomas Kleven to be my husband. I have chosen you and today I am leaving my father and mother to cleave unto you, to be joined to you by God, and to become one flesh with you.
Today before God and these witnesses I enter into this solemn covenant of marriage with you. “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above.” Besides His gift of salvation, you are the most perfect and precious gift that God has ever given to me. I will love Him, the Giver of all good things, supremely, with all my heart and soul and mind and strength, and then I will love you as myself and far above all else in this world. I praise God continually for you, Daniel.
I promise to be the best helpmeet for you that I can be. I will honour you and reverence you. I will strength and help you, comfort and encourage you. I will strive always to adorn myself with good works and to be modest, discreet and chaste. I promise to be meek and obedient to you, to submit to you (as unto the Lord) and to be subject to you in everything as the church is unto Christ. I promise to do you good all the days of my life. I promise to pray for you and seek your spiritual growth and vitality.
I promise to be faithful and true to you. I will delight in you and rejoice with you. I will render unto you due benevolence and give you power over my body. I commit my whole life and being into your care. I trust you and will look to you to lead me. I will be yours as long as I live on this earth and I will never divorce you or depart from you for any reason.
I will not be brawling or contentious but rather sober and content. I will work willingly and seek to be strong. I will be diligent and wise, and keep the law of kindness in my tongue. I will look well to the ways of our household and not be idle or lazy.
I promise to live joyfully with you all the days of this life, in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in gladness, in times of plenty and in times of need. I promise to love and to help you through anything until God by death shall part us, or the Lord Jesus Christ comes again.
Daniel, you are my truest friend and closest companion and I am so excited to spend the rest of my life learning to love you better and grow closer to you. I pray that God will be honoured and glorified as we seek to keep this covenant by His grace and with His strength. I am confident that He will never fail us.
I love you!

Ellen Kleven 8/22/09

For those critical that the couple promised more than they could possibly perform, keep these points in mind: 1) Both of them stated these were goals for their married lives, not unconditional promises. For example, they were not promising to unconditionally love each other every day of their lives, but that their lives have the goal of learning to love each other unconditionally. 2) Both of them spent hours studying the roles of husband and wife in Scripture as they prepared their vows. Most of this is just personalized Bible. It would be beneficial for all of us who are married to read these vows regularly and to set them as our goal as well.

Handling Family Conflicts (2)

Last week we looked at some causes and cures of family conflicts. This is a scattering of further thoughts on the subject.
Conflicts are often intensified when living space is at a minimum. Some years ago I met a family with twelve children. The girls all bedded in the same large room. But each had her own private space that was ‘hands off’ to the others.
Often children tell each other to mind their own business. But this is not always best, or biblical. Philippians 4:4 says, “Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.” Try having a Phil. 4:4 Sunday. Assign each child a partner. The child is not responsible for bringing their own change of clothes, Bible, etc. but their partner’s. This will encourage them to think of the needs of others. One man said at their dinner table everyone was allowed to share and encouraged to listen to the others. But no one was permitted to ask for food or to get something out of reach. Instead, each was taught to be sensitive to the needs or desires of those round him.
Besides physical and verbal sparing, children will revert to revenge via silence. They are hurt and they want everyone to know it (especially the one who hurt them). Don’t allow it. Force children to verbalize (appropriately) what was wrong so that the problem can be resolved.
One major cause of sibling rivalry is favoritism, even perceived favoritism by one or both parents. Think what this did in Jacob’s family! Parents do not have to treat children the same to be fair. Five of our children are married and I still treat them differently. But parents are human and at times it is a struggle not to favor one child over the others for various reasons. Further, what we view as just treatment toward one, the children may view as favoritism. Encourage children to tell you when they feel your response to problems is not just.
Because each person is unique, we are good at some things and lacking in others. Even our special needs son, Paul, displays certain character qualities I lack. When parents compare the needy child with another, it only encourages rivalry and jealousy. In our homeschool, I told my children often that each was the best student in his/her class. It was not easy for older siblings to notice their younger siblings excel in an area where they struggled. Help your children learn God’s unique design for them. In the strong areas they are to be an example and teacher; in the weak areas they are dependent on others. This is God’s marvelous design, to need and be needed!
When a child acts in an unusually Christ-like way, encourage him with appropriate praise. Praise overdone teaches children to live for the immediate reward. But praise neglected might leave children wondering if their actions really pleased you, and God.

Handling Family Conflicts (1)

In 1881 Margaret Sidney published the first of 12 books entitled, The Five Little Peppers and How They Grew. It was the story of a very poor family of five children who got along remarkably well. In fact, if you read it, you might feel guilty that your children do not measure up.
‘Normal’ families experience conflicts with each other. After all, when two or more sinners live so close for years, conflicts are bound to crop up. So how do we deal with these?
Two verses help us to understand the root cause of conflicts. Proverbs 13:10 states,“Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom.” James 4:1 says, “From whence come wars and fightings among you? come they not hence, even of your lusts that war in your members?” Yes, it is the deification of self that causes conflict, putting ourselves on the throne of our lives. Thus, to resolve conflicts, we must deal with pride and selfishness.
Some parents feel they must always be the arbitrator in sibling rivalry. When this actually is necessary, ask questions that reveal to them how pride and selfishness are behind the conflict. But often older children are able to resolve the conflicts themselves. An effective method we often used was to send the squabbling siblings to a room and tell them not to come out until they had resolved it. I was amazed how quickly it was over, especially if mealtime was approaching! Of course, we must arm them first with the tools to deal with disagreements: respecting other’s viewpoint, not attacking the person in resolving the issue, knowing that a soft answer will usually turn away wrath, and others. If one of our children is more Christ-like in meekness than the others, we need to be alert that the others are not taking advantage of him, using this quality to their own advantage.
Jesus promised that conflicts would come. Yet think of this: two men in a foxhole never argue about who needed to take a shower. They are instead united around a common conflict. When an entire family is struggling together with a team member mentality, then conflicts will fall to a minimum. Sadly, this often happens when one member of a family rebels and the others unite in concern, prayer, example, and admonition.  But no parent want this the basis of unity.
One effective way to unite around a conflict is to have family prayer targets. These could be unsaved relatives, friends, or neighbors, something the family needs, something that has been lost, a prayer need shared at church, or others. Pray about them together and keep track of how God answers the prayers. Then celebrate together and add more. As children see themselves as a vital part of God’s answer, they will not want to act in a way that would hinder their prayers.
Ask God for ways to turn divisive conflicts into bond builders in your family.

Family Matters in the First Christmas

The first two chapters of Luke and Matthew tell us the very familiar Christmas story. Let us consider it in light of what it teaches about family matters.
Singles: Imagine an angel suddenly appearing to you as a single girl and saying you will be the mother of the Son of God! Yet, we learn from Scripture that the choice of Mary was not without reason. She expected to live an ordinary life, but had prepared herself for an extraordinary life. When she praised God while visiting Elizabeth, Mary quoted from 14 Old Testament Scriptures. Her response to the angel, “I am your handmaid” demonstrated her deep love for God. Her surrender cost her her reputation, her plans, her peace, and at times her joy.
Engagement: Matthew tells us that Joseph struggled when he found Mary was with child. He was a just man so wanted to obey Scripture concerning an apparently unfaithful fiancée. He was also a loving man and didn’t want to humiliate Mary publicly. Like his future step-Son he loved both grace and truth. This was Jesus’ earthy influence. When Joseph learned that her child was the Son of God, he took her, knowing he would be accused of favoring love over justice. He too forfeited his reputation to obey God.
Struggles: the world is full of troubles and certainly families are not exempt. The first problem the couple faced was an 80 mile trip during Mary’s last days before delivery. Once they arrived, no relative had an empty room for them. They graciously accepted the shelter of a barn or cave and there, in the filth and stench, Joseph as midwife helped deliver the Son of God! The troubles continued. Their rest was interrupted by a group of shepherds who were told of the birth. The couple decided to stay in Bethlehem. Perhaps it was to avoid wagging tongues back home.
Dedicating a child: Mary and Joseph took their new baby to the Temple twice. Eight days after birth He was circumcised and given the name Jesus. Forty days after birth Mary and Joseph dedicated their first-born to the Lord and offered two turtledoves (evidence they were poor) for Mary’s purification. Though we are not under the law, it is still a good idea, whether public or private, to dedicate our children to God. Ask God to bless and use the child, and ask Him for wisdom in training the child to grow in wisdom and favor with God and man.
Authority: Over a year passed. Now as a married couple, the angel warned Joseph (not Mary) of a threat on Jesus’ life by Herod. Ladies, imagine being awakened by your husband in the night. He just had a dream and you must flee empty-handed 200 miles to another country! Yet Mary trusted that God was speaking through him. God still chooses to work through authority structures, even imperfect ones, to reveal His will for us.

Roles in Marriage- the Husband

If any of you men read the article on the role of women in marriage, you might have responded, “That’s right, she’s supposed to help me, not try to run the show.” Before you judge your wife for her imperfections, consider what the Scripture says is the duty of a husband. “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself . . . Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself.” (Eph. 5:25-28, 33). Read it again: her command is simply to submit to you and honor you. Your command is to love her in the same way Christ loves the church! Is not this much more demanding? Indeed, it is impossible without the grace of God!
How did Christ love the church? He gave Himself for her. He now washes her in the Word. He will present her spotless. Giving ourselves will mean giving up my personal time to lighten her load. Extra money might be spent on what would delight her instead of just me. It will mean taking care of the baby’s ‘regulars’ is our business, not just hers. In the same way Christ broods over the church, knowing her strengths and weaknesses (1 Peter 3:7), admonishing, praying for, shepherding His bride, so must we do.
What is His goal? He does this to sanctify and cleanse His bride by His Word. When a wife asserts her will, we are to follow this example. We are to gently cleanse our wives’ unbiblical ideas by speaking the truth in love.
One day He will present his bride to Himself spotless. We take care of ourselves to get the best, Paul says. In the same way we ought to do all we can to work with Christ in making our wives a beautiful person in His sight and in the sight of others. Think of one day presenting your wife to Christ as a gift. She was His gift to you. You accepted His grace; you learned and applied and taught His Word to her; you worked together with Christ to make her all Christ intended her to be. At that time she will be a trophy of God’s grace, power, and love, His workmanship, in part, through you.
It is a daunting task. It will require you to get alone each morning to pray for her when you pray for yourself. It will require alertness to her moods, cycles, words, and actions so as to respond correctly. Her beauty depends on you.