The Reverence of a Wife

Posted by Jim on Sep 27, 2009
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As a Christian wife, would you say you are always thankful for what the Lord brings into your life? Have there been times you wondered if God was in control or if He was really giving you what was best? Yet, in spite of the trials God allows, you know the right response is to thank Him and accept them as part of God’s training. You know it is wrong to complain for He is God and you want to fear the Lord as He said to do. (Col. 3:22; 1 Peter 2:17).
Yet, the same Greek word used in these verses of the fear of God is found in Ephesians 5:33 of a wife’s attitude toward her husband. It says simply, “and the wife see that she reverence her husband.” The word is used 93 times in the New Testament and has a broad meaning of fears to shun and fears to embrace. Only here it is translated ‘reverence.’
Of course, a husband is not the Lord. He makes many mistakes, is insensitive far too often, fails to love you or at least to express love to you when you need it. Yet, the Lord still commands you to reverence him, to view him, in a sense, as you view the Lord.
This is explained in 1 Peter 3:6- “Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.” Sarah called Abraham ‘lord’ even after he asked her to lie about being his wife wherever they traveled, something that would endanger her but protect him.  How could she respect him for that?
Sarah’s secret was her large view of God. The previous verse states, “For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:” Sarah, and other holy women of the Bible, trusted God to be sovereign, even in their husbands’ imperfections. They believed God was so big that He could take even the mistakes of their husbands and work them for His glory. They were ‘not afraid’ of the consequences of trusting Him. Their job then was to pray, trust, appeal, and, yes, reverence them as the heads of their homes.
The opposite response is expressed in Proverbs 14:1 “Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.” The idea of this last phrase seems to be, ‘a foolish woman fears the consequences of her husband’s decisions and takes matters into her own hands.’ She stops reverencing him because she forgets that God is bigger than his decisions. In thinking she can handle it better than he did, she actually attempts to take the situation from the hands of God. Which kind of wife will you be?

The Language of Love

Posted by Jim on Sep 20, 2009
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In 1992, Dr. Gary Chapman, Christian marriage counselor, published a book entitled, The Five Love Languages. The book was such a smash hit that it was followed up with several sequels including The Five Love Languages for Children, for Teens, for Singles, etc.
I view books like this with reservation. It is easy to pigeonhole people, to force them into a mold that steals their uniqueness. I saw this happen when Tim LaHaye’s books on the four temperaments swept him to fame. Many of us were helped by some aspects of what he taught but found it easy to analyze others without using what we learned about ourselves to be better Christians. God does not divide people in these artificial ways in His Word and we should avoid doing so as well.
This said, there is still profit in considering what Chapman says about expressing love to others. In brief, the five common ways people express love to others are these: Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. The author suggests that each of us tends to feel loved more in one of these ways than in the others. Remembering that Paul says the basic need of a wife is to be genuinely loved, it would be good for husbands to discover how his wife feels most loved, what expresses love to her the best.
The greatest profit from these five ways of expressing love is discovering how God uses all these to express love for His creation, and particularly to His children. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. How does God express love to the church? He gives us quality time (“I will never leave thee nor forsake thee.” Hebrews 13:5) He expresses His love through words (“Thou hast loved them as Thou hast loved me.” John 17:23). He expresses His love through gifts (“When he ascended up on high, he led captivity captive, and gave gifts unto men.” Eph. 4:8). He expresses His love through service (Read John 13 as Jesus washed the disciples’ feet.) He expresses His love through physical touch (“Now there was leaning on Jesus’ bosom one of his disciples, whom Jesus loved.” John 13:23. Jesus blessed the children as He took them into His arms.)
Consider some other observations. A husband may be expressing love to his wife in a way that is meaningful to him but not to her. Learn how she feels loved. Withholding these expressions could be interpreted rightly or wrongly as waning love. Also, a woman may misinterpret a kind gesture from a man as an expression of love. We must be prudent in dealings with others that the limit of our intent of a kind deed is understood.
As we husbands learn more how God expresses love to us, let us purpose to pass on His methods to our life partner.

What Really Counts?

Posted by Jim on Sep 13, 2009
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Let this true story speak for itself:
SHE WILL ALWAYS BE THE ONE By Saralee Perel
One day last week I woke up in a lousy mood. Why? We were out of coffee. I was late paying a MasterCard bill. My favorite clock had just stopped working. I didn’t even think of saying, “Good morning,” to my husband Bob. After all, we’ve been waking up together for 31 years. As usual, we both got out of bed and headed right to our desks. I checked e-mail and replied to people who were complaining about rainy days as if we were all living through a catastrophic disaster.
One more e-mail remained. It was from a fellow named John. And it turned out to be a breath-stopping shock. The first time John wrote to me was about a year ago. He was responding to a column I had written about relationship troubles that Bob and I had overcome: “My wife Donna pointed out an article by you she found moving. It brought her to tears. I’m a grown man who can be very emotional. I was pleasantly surprised that there was a happy ending and everything was fine. Few couples these days enjoy the closeness that you have with your spouse. I am proud to say that I have been with my beloved for 26 years and she’s still the one.” When I saw his name on this current e-mail, I was hoping to read more about his loving marriage. He wrote: “Two days ago my wife fell down a flight of stairs. I lost the only girl I will ever love. She was only 54 and in perfect health.” I stared at his words as my life was overhauled in less than one minute. Thank God.
I could hear Bob in his study. He was in a bad mood. I asked him to come in and read John’s e-mail. As he was reading, his demeanor changed. In slow motion, he went from appearing uptight and annoyed to sadly calm. With a deep sigh he said, “Thank you for having me read this.” I responded, “Your e-mail made me think about so many stupid things I get upset about. You gave me a huge wake-up call as to what matters in life and what doesn’t.” When I asked for his permission to write about this lesson, he kindly agreed and said, “I’m sure Donna would be honored.”
I am the one honored to be writing about Donna’s many legacies. Through the words of her adoring husband, she leaves behind and continues to teach the profound yet often overlooked lesson: Love is what is most important. I am also hoping she will help many realize, the way I did, that most everything is small potatoes compared to love, life and death.
And so this morning, it didn’t faze me that I was out of computer paper when a deadline was imminent. And then I said, “Good morning,” to Bob.

Damaging a Marriage (2)

Posted by Jim on Sep 06, 2009
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Marriages are damaged when the fundamental needs of the wife or husband are not met. Psychologists, theologians, and ordinary honest people agree what these are: a husband needs his wife to respect him, and a wife needs her husband to unconditionally love her. If this sounds like opinion, consider how Paul finished chapter five of Ephesians. “Nevertheless let every one of you (husbands) in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.” The nuances of love are given in 1 Corinthians 13 and exemplified in Christ’s love for the church. Here are a few dictionary synonyms for the Greek word translated ‘reverence.’ “to be struck with fear, struck with amazement, to reverence, venerate, to treat with deference or reverential obedience.”
Notice these roles are commanded. Therefore, the Lord enables us to fulfill them. This also implies that they are not natural. Our sin nature does not naturally obey God.  It will take the grace of God to fulfill these consistently. Third, the command implies that a marriage cannot function biblically apart from them.
When a husband senses his wife does not respect him, he will react by withdrawing his expression of love for her. Likewise, when a wife does not feel loved, she will lose respect for her husband. This can turn into a vicious cycle. If you are in this cycle now, then keep reading!
A husband will work for and expect the respect of his wife. If he does not get it, then he can easily turn bitter toward her. This is no doubt why Paul wrote, “Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.” (Col 3:19) This is an unconditional command, not dependent on her respect.
Likewise a wife is commanded to respect her husband, even if she does not feel the love she expects. She can do this by focusing on his strengths and trusting God to work on his weaknesses. Remember the prayer I shared in the 2nd Family article? One line read, “May they never take each other’s love for granted, but always experience that breathless wonder that exclaims, ‘Out of all this world you have chosen me.’” Please read that three more times, and then say it to your spouse.
I recently heard a man teaching about love and respect in marriage. Because of the vicious cycle mentioned above, he and his wife developed this response. When his wife senses he does or says something unloving, she responds, “That felt unloving. Was I disrespectful to you?” Likewise, when the husband senses the wife is not respecting him, he says, “That seemed disrespectful. Did I do or say something unloving?” This avoids accusation and focuses on helping each other fulfill personal responsibility.
Making a marriage work takes work! But God and all the resources of heaven are available to make it happen!